Internal Weather Forecasting

My body is a microclimate within the macrocosm of all experience.

It’s Taurus Season. We’re well beyond the concern for frost but not quite at the muscle deep heat of Summer - though the 80º temperatures do give me pause. A new normal, unfortunately. There’s not much to be done aside from dress appropriately, plan accordingly, prepare and drift through the shifts.

I’ve been extremely busy these last few months, pouring every additional ounce of mental & financial energy into preparing a garden at the back of our property. Carrots, Onions, Purple Potatoes already 3 feet tall. Lots of herbal & medicinal plants have gone in recently as well: the yarrow i planted last year coming in strong beside a slew of hyssop, salvia, wormwood, feverfew, chamomile, pennyroyal... Years ago, I was in the garden tending to my herbs and drying flowers regularly and I’m grateful to be centering this animistic relationship building again after to many years of hyper-activation and self-effacing to the betterment of other people’s dreams.

To be fair, there is nothing quite like the therapy of stabbing a garden knife into the ground and shifting your weight, feeling the land give way to make space for you. Like parting a crowd of people when you’re running to get somewhere important and everyone seems to feel it and there’s no real friction. It’s very simple, putting your whole mind and body into creating space for plants and then making time every day to be close to them, to reinforce their existence. But, like the weather, the ground shifts from zone to zone - within 15 feet, there’s a difference in the chemistry, a difference in the biomass, the makeup of the soil. And with that change, different choices have to be made.

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Why does happiness seem so important when it’s the most fragile of emotional states? Why are big emotions the only ones that are recognised in our culture as valid enough up draw attention to? How many of the individuals we interact with are experiencing happiness? Are you actually happy?

Do I need to be? Or can I just putter around the garden, shifting from one small and mildly stringent task to another, watching the wind push the trees around? Can I take a moment to just stop moving? I hear that’s a thing we’re doing now.

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Cut back to a few days ago.

Me, bent double, about an hour into pulling (rather unsuccessfully) poison ivy out from beneath a bush in the back garden where my kid unfortunately loves to kick his soccer ball/ my cat Sam loves to lay when it’s sweltering. A light English-drizzle of moisture but no real indication of downpour.

Said child was running around in his yellow rain jacket, doing laps on the wood chip path we’ve put in, and laughing wildly. A few moments later and I was almost pushed over by a gust of wind quickly followed by a wall of rain. E yelped with joy and I realized I was not properly prepared.

Quickly running inside, I grabbed my jacket and an umbrella and went to offer an opportunity for “cuddle jumping.” Off we went, walking the loop of our neighborhood slowly, taking moments to wade into the runoff and follow the rivulets along the street. Kiddo stated it was snack time so we trudged back soggy and laughing to eat muffins and drink orange juice in our underpants.

Despite the idyll of the moment, the ease of transition and the sense of assurance that I am in no hurry, I don’t know that I would describe the way I felt that morning as happy. Not entirely. And not in any way negatively.

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There were moments of confusion on where to put my feet so as not to slip on the sidewalk. Delight at watching my kid zigzag around on the road. Pride when he went to the side at hearing a car coming with no prompting. Equal parts frustration and amusement at the way poison ivy has a tendency to allow its leaves to snap away easily from the vine like a lizard permitting its tail to drop off to avoid being captured. Contentment at being wet and a little chilly and knowing there was a cup of hot tea in my future inside of my warm home.

Rather than happiness, I am interested in contentment. No un-prompted endorphins. For years I told a dear friend that I couldn’t distinguish between excitement and anxiety, fear and motivation. Recently, I have begun to. I want to know the subtleties of my own body and my behavior the way I do the dips and falls in the yard. What a gift to commune with my own emotionality, identify and collaborate with my own nervous system in the same way I can smell the ozone after a storm.

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I feel as though this is a good opportunity to share about a few of the books I’m reading right now… I tend to read a bunch at a time for probably obvious reasons to anyone who knows me.

“It’s Not Your Money” by Tosha Silver.

Let me preface this by stating very clearly that, even though I’m a Witch, I’m very opinionated about the modern metaphysical publishing industry and think that a lot of things out there right now are not coming from a place of deep integrity. This book has caught me off guard and has cracked through a lot of my barriers. I have found it to be very helpful for resisting the desire to control every attachment to the acquisition of money. But more importantly I’ve experienced a deep relationship adjustment to Abundance as a concept.

Example: I was folding my laundry while listening to a podcast the other night. I had finished pairing off my socks and went to pick them up to walk over to the drawer and realized I couldn’t carry them all in one trip. I kept struggling to collect all of the clean socks up into my arms. I began to laugh at how ridiculous the entire situation was because I have an over abundance of socks. I was physically over encumbered by the amount of safety and warmth and security I have in the form of just socks. My entire existence and all of the things I have to be grateful for snapped into focus in that moment. The absurdity and the joy and the gratitude all at once.

“Emergent Strategy” by adrienne maree brown is also on the bedside right more riddled with marginalia. I feel majorly inspired and deeply appreciated of this work and think that the vocabulary and framework within this book is transformative for me. Grateful to have found and and looking forward to integrating the concepts into my life.

Backstory: I have mentioned before my admiration for the work of R.Buckminster Fuller and his work with Systems Theory. One of the core features of the theory is the concept of Emergence. The concept has been following me for about 2 years now - I was working at an aesthetician’s office as a studio coordinator when I left my last full time job and was discussing marketing with individuals who worked there. One of the providers, who is now a very good friend, was dreaming of bringing in more clients who were in the process of transitioning. Hormonal therapy can create dramatic changes in the skin. Consistent and heartfelt support of a skincare professional is a really helpful tool during that time. Additionally, we used enzyme therapy treatments that are fantastic for scarring and can be useful for individuals who have had top surgery as part of their gender affirming care.

When I experienced the aforementioned enzyme treatment, it felt like being placed inside of a chrysalis, in a cocoon. And when it was removed, it felt like being released, shedding; blood circulation and lymphatic fluid was flowing and I felt flush and freed. The process was meditative, claustrophobic, intensely fascinating. We batted around ideas for the future of these offerings and, shortly after seeing a cabbage butterfly out the second story window of the studio, we settled on the idea of Emergent Aesthetics as a possible rebrand direction for her and her dream clients.

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All of the above feels like a glimpse at the level of intensity my synchronous experiences can become. My goal now is to stay as open and receptive to these experiences as possible while holding myself to building a more grace-filled and loving life.